The Eighteenth Epistle – The Epistle of Crypto Taxation
By Eric · Updated October 17, 2026
Satire and commentary: names and likenesses are used for parody, and nothing here is a statement of fact about real people. Sourced facts are in the sections below.
The Eighteenth Epistle – The Epistle of Crypto Taxation “Satoshi left no taxes, but we live under the laws of men.”
1:1 Brothers and sisters, You received your ₿ with joy— But that very evening, The taxman asked, “Was it income or capital gain?”
1:2 I answer you this: ₿ is freedom, ₿ is property, But the law of the land Does not yet understand the code of Satoshi.
1:3 You dwell in the land of Caesar, Therefore, consider its rules. Faith is autonomous, But wise taxation is prudence.
1:4 I urge you then:
Keep your transaction records,
Track realized gains and losses,
Separate capital gains from income,
And avoid evasion—choose strategy.
“A wise maximalist does not evade, but optimizes.”
Taxation Epistle 1:4
1:5 I have seen— The tax authorities grow wiser, Their eyes on the blockchain sharpen, And KYC feeds their vision.
1:6 Therefore, be prepared. Be honest, yet strategic. Choose the path that preserves your liberty, Within the bounds of law.
1:7 ₿ should not be lost to taxes, But remain even after taxation.
₿men.
In plain words: what this means
The scripture is satire. Taxes are not. Here is what the US tax agency says in its own words, checked on October 17, 2026. Other countries differ, so check yours.
Selling it creates a gain or a loss. If you sell for dollars, you "recognize any capital gain or loss" (same FAQ).
Swapping coins counts too. Exchanging one crypto for another, or for other property, produces a gain or loss.
Spending it counts too. Paying for a service with crypto is treated as trading an asset for that service.
Getting paid in crypto is income. Receiving it for services is ordinary income, measured in dollars when you receive it.
Moving coins between your own wallets is generally not taxable.
The tax form asks. For the year the IRS FAQ describes, the return asked whether you received, sold, exchanged or otherwise disposed of any financial interest in virtual currency. If you only bought crypto with dollars, you do not have to answer yes.
Two things to know
The IRS says that page applies to transactions completed before January 1, 2025. We did not check what changed after that, so look up the current rules before you file. And we are not tax advisors. This is a map of what one official page says, not advice.